Friday, May 29, 2009

This is GM under government management

GM_logoI’m having a tough time with this whole notion of the Conservative government having a seat at the boardroom table of General Motors. Aside from the fact that I think we should be running, not walking, away from any taxpayer investment in this losing proposition, I can’t help but despair at the thought of a business (any business) being run by the same folks who manage to waste most of my tax dollars with such blithe ignorance of the concepts of accountability and value for money.

But the die seems to have been cast, so here are some of the implications of which you need to be aware.

GM Canada headquarters will be moved immediately to Calgary.

WallE bilingualThe company will be subject to the Official Languages Act. All documents, working papers, blueprints, etcetera will be translated into the second official language. All assembly line robots and senior level plant managers in Windsor must be able to converse fluently in French, English, and IRL (Industrial Robot Language) . 

All parts purchasing will now come under Public Works Canada, the department best known for its inability to get contracts in place in a timely manner – and for pissing off every potential supplier in the process. The “just in time” manufacturing methodology will now be known as the “just some time” manufacturing methodology.

All new model names must be vetted by the Canadian Human Rights Commission to ensure that they are not potentially even vaguely offensive to any obscure special interest group that may or may not exist, now or in the future.

To help “new Canadians” integrate, an appropriate ratio of right-hand to left-hand drive vehicles will be built based on the percentage of immigrants arriving from right-hand drive countries.  Once they become citizens, their vehicles must be immediately converted back to left-hand drive, else the owners risk being labelled “not real Canadians” by Jason Kenney.

Regional benefits will be mandated. GM’s Canadian operations will be split up so that at least 50% of the jobs go to Alberta, 30% to Quebec, and the rest are divided up between the other provinces on a per-capita basis except Newfoundland which has no sitting Conservative MPs. When the Harper Conservatives are given the boot, the allocations will of necessity change with Alberta’s share dropping to 0%.

The product line will be changed to better represent the Conservative’s new WoodieCanadian logo – From Sea To Sea To Sea. Consequently the highest production vehicle will be the electric Woodie featuring pine beetle lumber from British Columbia, seats made from PEI and Nova Scotia seal skins (Newfoundland skins are too thin), and batteries from… well, somewhere, ideally up North. A hidden agenda will replace the glove box. It will be available in any colour but red.

On the plus side, GM’s corporate colours are already blue, so that won’t have to change. At least not until the next election.

2 comments:

O.K. said...

Yes. Your concerns are well-placed. After al, this is what will be built...

http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/Canyonero

Canajun said...

LOL. I wouldn't be at all surprised!